Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Randomize
