I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Randomize
