you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
