If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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