I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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