I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
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