Mel Gibson is dating a 24 year old
You're not Mel Gibson and I'm not 24.
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
its not stalking. its research.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
