My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
