Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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