Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
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