Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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