but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
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