there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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