20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
