You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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