I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
