I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Randomize
