I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
