Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
