You made me cry and you don't even care
I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
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