i don't like sucking hair
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
