Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Randomize
