wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
