Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
