i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
