so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
