So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
