There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
My ass is underappreciated
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
