Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
