If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
