So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
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