If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
