I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
