I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
