you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
