I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Randomize
