Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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