if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
