remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
