no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Randomize
