I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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