I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
