I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
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