Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
