I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
