who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
