remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
