Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
