I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
