I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Randomize
